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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?