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My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.