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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
The best things in life require no pants.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
u cant spell awesome without me
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.