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The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.