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Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"