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I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.