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There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.