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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.