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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.