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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.