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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.