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Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?