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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Your personality needs alcohol.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake