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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.