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Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!