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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.