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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.