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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.