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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.