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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!