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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.