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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.