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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.