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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.