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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
there are so many scams on the internet now...... Send me $19.95 an I`ll tell you how you can avoid them
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.