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If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch