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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"