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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".