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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.