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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.