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I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"