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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."