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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.