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Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
More people should be at a loss for words.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?