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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha Iām so sorry. No Iām not.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.