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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.