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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette