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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.