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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.