Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.