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With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.