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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."