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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.