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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.