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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.