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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen