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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.