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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.