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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.