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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.