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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.