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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Is there another word for synonym?
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.